I HAVE NO memory of the Friday seminar meetings. Even when I recall the trial， I cannot remember what topics we selected for scholarly discussion. What did we talk about？ What did we want to know？ What did the professor teach us？

But I remember the Sundays. The days in court gave me a new hunger for the colors and smells of nature. On Fridays and Saturdays I managed to catch up on what I had missed of my studies during the other days of the week， so that I could complete my course assignments and pass the semester. On Sundays， I took off by myself.

Heiligenberg， St. Michaels Basilica， the Bismarck Tower， the Philosophers Path， the banks of the riverI didnt vary my route much from one Sunday to the next. I found there was enough variety in the greens that became richer and richer from week to week， and in the floodplain of the Rhine， that was sometimes in a heat haze， sometimes hidden behind curtains of rain and sometimes overhung by storm clouds， and in the smells of the berries and wildflowers in the woods when the sun blazed down on them， and of earth and last years rotting leaves when it rained. Anyway I dont need or seek much variety. Each journey a little further than the last， the next vacation in the new place I discovered during my last vacation and liked . . . For a while I thought I should be more daring， and made myself go to Ceylon， Egypt， and Brazil， before I went back to making familiar regions more familiar. I see more in them.

I have rediscovered the place in the woods where Hannas secret became clear to me. There is nothing special about it now， nor was there anything special then， no strangely shaped tree or cliff， no unusual view of the city and the plain， nothing that would invite startling associations. In thinking about Hanna， going round and round in the same tracks week after week， one thought had split off， taken another direction， and finally produced its own conclusion. When it did so， it was doneit could have been anywhere， or at least anywhere the familiarity of the surroundings and the scenery allowed what was truly surprising， what didnt come like a bolt from the blue， but had been growing inside myself， to be recognized and accepted. It happened on a path that climbed steeply up the mountain， crossed the road， passed a spring， and then wound under old， tall， dark trees and out into light underbrush.

Hanna could neither read nor write.

That was why she had had people read to her. That was why she had let me do all the writing and reading on our bicycle trip and why she had lost control that morning in the hotel when she found my note， realized I would assume she knew what it said， and was afraid shed be exposed. That was why she had avoided being promoted by the streetcar company； as a conductor she could conceal her weakness， but it would have become obvious when she was being trained to become a driver. That was also why she had refused the promotion at Siemens and become a guard. That was why she had admitted to writing the report in order to escape a confrontation with an expert. Had she talked herself into a corner at the trial for the same reason？ Because she couldnt read the daughters book or the indictment， couldnt see the openings that would allow her to build a defense， and thus could not prepare herself accordingly？ Was that why she sent her chosen wards to Auschwitz？ To silence them in case they had noticed something？ And was that why she always chose the weak ones in the first place？

Was that why？ I could understand that she was ashamed at not being able to read or write， and would rather drive me away than expose herself. I was no stranger to shame as the cause of behavior that was deviant or defensive， secretive or misleading or hurtful. But could Hannas shame at being illiterate be sufficient reason for her behavior at the trial or in the camp？ To accept exposure as a criminal for fear of being exposed as an illiterate？ To commit crimes to avoid the same thing？

How often I have asked myself these same questions， both then and since. If Hannas motive was fear of exposurewhy opt for the horrible exposure as a criminal over the harmless exposure as an illiterate？ Or did she believe she could escape exposure altogether？ Was she simply stupid？ And was she vain enough， and evil enough， to become a criminal simply to avoid exposure？

Both then and since， I have always rejected this. No， Hanna had not decided in favor of crime. She had decided against a promotion at Siemens， and fell into a job as a guard. And no， she had not dispatched the delicate and the weak on transports to Auschwitz because they had read to her； she had chosen them to read to her because she wanted to make their last month bearable before their inevitable dispatch to Auschwitz. And no， at the trial Hanna did not weigh exposure as an illiterate against exposure as a criminal. She did not calculate and she did not maneuver. She accepted that she would be called to account， and simply did not wish to endure further exposure. She was not pursuing her own interests， but fighting for her own truth， her own justice. Because she always had to dissimulate somewhat， and could never be completely candid， it was a pitiful truth and a pitiful justice， but it was hers， and the struggle for it was her struggle.

She must have been completely exhausted. Her struggle was not limited to the trial. She was struggling， as she always had struggled， not to show what she could do but to hide what she couldnt do. A life made up of advances that were actually frantic retreats and victories that were concealed defeats.

I was oddly moved by the discrepancy between what must have been Hannas actual concerns when she left my hometown and what I had imagined and theorized at the time. I had been sure that I had driven her away because I had betrayed and denied her， when in fact she had simply been running away from being found out by the streetcar company. However， the fact that I had not driven her away did not change the fact that I had betrayed her. So I was still guilty. And if I was not guilty because one cannot be guilty of betraying a criminal， then I was guilty of having loved a criminal.

我对每天都自愿参加的研讨会没有留下什么记忆，即使我回忆法庭的审理情形，也记不起来我们都做了哪些科学的整理工作，我们就什么问题进行了讨论，我们想要知道什么，那位教授都教了我们什么。

但是，我却记得那些周日。在法庭的那些天，使我对大自然的色彩和气息产生了新的渴望。在节假日和星期六，我把在学习中所落下的课程尽可能都补上了，这样，在做课堂练习时，我至少能跟得上，也能完成本学期的学分。星期天，我总是出去。

圣山，米西尔教堂，彼斯麦塔，哲学家之路，河岸，一个星期天接着一个星期天，我走的路线仅有很小的变动。一个星期接着一个星期，我所看到的大自然足以用丰富多彩、变化无穷来形容。深绿色的莱茵平原有时处在热气中，有时在云雾中，有时在雷雨乌云中。在森林里，当阳光照耀时可闻得花香，闻得果甜；当雨水四溅时可喷得到泥土的气息，嗅得到去年新落下的树叶的味道。我一点不需要也不寻找比这更多的多样性。行程一次比一次远些，下次度假的地方通常是上次度假时发现并喜欢的地方。有好长一段时间，我认为我应该更大胆一些，应该强迫自己去锡兰、埃及和巴西，不过，我还是去了我所熟悉的地区，为的是加深对旧地的了解。在这些地方我看到的更多。

在森林里，我又发现了我揭开汉娜秘密的地方。那不是一个什么特别的地方，当时也没有什么特别之处，没有别具一格的树木或悬崖峭壁，没有什么非同一般的可以看到那座城市和那片平原的视角，没有什么会促使你产生意想不到的联想。在周而复始他对汉娜进行思考后，我竟产生了一种想法，我追踪了这个想法，最后也得出了结论。真是筋疲力尽之时，也正是柳暗花明之日。这种情况随处可见，或者至少在这种情况下随处可见：你对一个环境或一种情况非常熟悉，以至于凡是你感受到并接受了的、令你惊讶的东西，都不是来自外部世界，而是产生于内心。我得出结论的过程就像一个人走在一条路上，先爬上陡峭的山坡，再穿越马路，再经过一个泉井，然后穿过一片森林：先是古老的、遮天蔽日的参天大树，之后才是明亮的小树丛。

汉娜既不会读也不会写。

所以她才让人给她朗读，所以在我们骑车旅行时，才让我承担读写的任务，所以当她那天早上在旅馆里发现我的字条时，才大发雷霆她猜测出了字条的内容和我的期待，害怕自己出丑，所以她才逃避了有轨电车公司对她的提升作为售票员，她可以掩饰她的弱点，如果被培训当司机，那她的弱点将暴露无遗，所以她才回避了西门子公司对她的提升而做了一名女看守，所以为了避免和鉴定专家对质，她承认了那篇报告是她写的。也正是因为如此她才在法庭上拼命地争辩吗？因为她既不能读那位女儿写的那本书又不会看控告词，她才看不到为自己辩护的机会并为此做相应的准备吗？也正因为如此她才把受到她特殊照顾的人送往奥斯威辛吗？是因为她怕她们发现她的弱点而想杀人灭口吗？也正是因为如此她才把那些体弱者纳入她的保护之下吗？

都是由于这个原因吗？她为自己既不会读也不会写而感到羞耻，所以她宁愿让我感到莫名其妙也不愿自己出丑，这个我能理解。我对由于羞耻而去回避、拒绝、隐瞒、伪装并伤害他人的这些行为有亲身体会，但是，汉娜在法庭上和集中营中的所作所为是因为她对不会读写感到可耻吗？她认为做一个文盲比做一名罪犯更丢脸吗？她比暴露自己是个罪犯更害怕暴露自己是个文盲吗？

当时和从那时以来，我经常向自己提出这个问题。如果汉娜的动机是害怕暴露自己，那为什么不暴露自己是一个无害的文盲而要暴露自己是个可怕的罪犯呢？或许她认为什么都不暴露就能蒙混过关吗？她这么愚蠢吗？她这么爱虚荣，这么邪恶吗？为了避免暴露就去做罪犯吗？

当时和自那时以来，我总是拒绝这样想。不，我对自己说，汉娜没有想去犯罪。她没有接受西门子公司对她的提拔，而不自觉地决定做了女看守。木，她没有因为她们为她朗读过就把那些温柔体弱的人送往奥斯威辛。她特别把她们挑选出来为她朗读，是因为她想使她们在被送往奥斯威辛以前的最后几个月的日子过得好一点。木，在法庭上，汉娜没有在暴露自己是文盲还是暴露自己是罪犯之间进行斟酌。她并没有三思而后行，她的行为举止缺少策略性。她宁可被绳之以法，也不愿暴露自己是文盲。她进行的斗争不是为了自己的利益，而是为了她的真理、她的正义。那是个可悲的真理、可怜的正义，因为她总要伪装自己，因为她从未开诚布公过，从未完全自我过。不过，那是她的真理和正义，为此而进行的奋斗是她的奋斗。

她必须要使出全身解数来。她不仅仅在法庭上要争要斗，她必须要永远奋斗，其目的不是为了向世人显示她能做的事情，而是向世人掩饰她不能做的事情。这是一种其起步意味着节节败退，而其胜利隐藏着失败的生活。

汉娜离开我家乡时的处境和我当时对它的想象之间存在分歧，这种分歧不同寻常地触动着我。我曾十分肯定她是被我赶走的，因为我曾经背叛和否认过她。她离开了有轨电车公司确实逃避了一次暴露。不过，我没有把她赶走的这一事实，丝毫没有改变我背叛了她的这一事实。这就是说，我仍旧负有责任。如果说我没有什么责任的话，是因为背叛一名罪犯不必负什么责任；如果说我负有责任，是因为我曾经爱上过一个罪犯。

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